Tears of God

I find I have been avoiding my mission.

I often think it is because I want a normal life: a good career, a home, a partner, children. But when I look into my heart of hearts I know this isn’t so. I don’t want the cookie cutter life anymore. I did for a long time, especially when I was pursuing an acting career. My mentality has changed and I no longer desire to be what others want me to be. Perhaps being free of those shackles and blinking up at the dazzling light as I emerge from a cave of my own making I feel free… and lost. Overwhelmed by the expansive embrace of the unknown and incredible potential. It moves me to tears. Tears of great joy which terrify me and make it hard to function in the secular world where bills need to be paid and responsibilities honored. And yet the greatest responsibility is the one I irrationally fear and ridiculously avoid;  to teach The Way as I was instructed by Jesus. 

I let myself become distracted by my need for validation through the care of others. Although validating I still find myself restless and unsatisfied, becoming resentful of those I have allowed to use me as a crutch or punching bag. I am exhausted until I cry. And as the tears spring forth from my eyes I am washed in such a beautiful sense of relief. “Challenge acknowledged and accepted,” my guides say, “Are you now ready to accept your true path or do you stubbornly require more hard lessons?”

I have been struggling. Having moved to a new town that was prophesied to me I again feel overwhelmed as the signs and symbols flood my senses and I long for the womb of the cave… or at least I tell myself I do. Just because something is familiar doesn’t mean it is comfortable. And being in the light, accepting that I am light has transformed me beyond my ability to return to my past self. Perhaps this is part of why I cry, I am reborn and though I seek my highest potential through fresh energy and new eyes the awareness of new sensory stimulus is too much. So I howl at the moon and water the garden of spiritual growth with strong tides of tears.

I am recommitting to learn and receive in an easy and relaxed manner which is safe, comfortable, healthy, positive, peaceful and loving with divine right timing and order.

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