Not all ER Doctors are Heroes

“He will hurt you.” It was a statement of fact, not a slightly ambiguous association that I would later recognize as prophecy. Spirit was warning me out right and I was too naive and broken to understand. 20/20 hindsight is a bitch sometimes.

In this podcast I must warn you I will be using explicit and unsettling language to descibe the situation I was in. I want people to understand there is evil but it can’t touch you unless you let it.  Sometimes the lesson becomes more and more amplified until you are willing to accept it, learn and move on. My lessson has been trust in a higher power that is Love and goodness and loving myself. I don’t know how I fell so far away from these essential elements but life is hard and as we continually get knocked down by the waves of lessons sometimes we allow ourselves to become defeated because in our misery we cling to the identity of suffering and being a victim. I no longer identify with either. I remind myself that suffering, like everything in each moment, is a choice. We are created as love and light and we remain love and light. We are Godsparks and deserve to manifest loving and light filled realities for ourselves and others. Knowing when to walk away from those who feed off your light because they have forgotten they can create their own is a huge lesson. I got trapped by my desire to help others for years. I was addicted to broken people telling me that having me in their life made them a better person. That external validation is fear based. In order to truly F.L.Y. we must First.Love.Yourself. How else can we truly help others FLY if we don’t FLY already?

 I dated an ER Doctor on and off for 3 years. It was during the time in my life when I was a pursuing an acting career in LA. I was working like crazy as a cocktail server and Nanny trying to make ends meet while affording the ‘pay it forward’ lifestyle of being an actor. I was exhausted, insecure and depressed. I had an Agent who would tell me I was weird looking and awkwardly shaped and he didn’t know what to do with me because I wasn’t attractive enough to be a leading lady nor were my looks bland enough to play the best friend or a supporting role. I look back on photos of me from then and I see a beautiful sad girl with a false front of fearlessness. You can always tell from the eyes. I was tortured and letting myself wallow in it. I felt worthless and ugly but knew I wasn’t which just made me angry and feel even more confused and lost. All of my acting training and working in service and caretaking industries had taught me to seek external validation and to always put others first. I could be anyone you wanted me to be, I had grown up doing Shakespeare in an acting family and had learned early how to take care of others, be beautiful and live for applause. And then in the harsh light of the Hollywood sun I was only seeing my flaws and shortcomings.

I met the Doctor one day in West Hollywood when I was waiting for my friend at the Fred Segal Market to do a Life Coaching session. I was deep in despair but determined to pull myself out. Having arrived early I walked around the Market and then took a seat outside and looked over the script I was working on. I noticed that the man with a pit bull puppy who had been watching me walk around the market was now lingering nearby. He tried to be nonchalant but was obviously watching me and trying to figure out how to approach me. He eventually did and he seemed sweet so I gave him my number and we started to hang out. At first things were good enough. He was always late, and preferred we just hang out at his place. He never introduced me to any of his friends which I never thought much of since he was so busy with work and had just moved back to LA from Boston.

As time went on I knew I wasn’t very interested in him and kept trying to end things. Our sex life had gone from passionate and fun to mean and nasty. He was a habitual drug user, mostly hallucinogenics and Ecstasy but he also abused pills and drank a lot. Somehow he convinced me no one would ever love me except him and I would come back. I had never done E before and he started making me take it when I would come over so that I would be in a better mood and let him fuck me. I had told him that I had been raped as a teen by a neighbor and it made him excited. He started to get aggressive with me and liked to scare me by ‘pretending’ he was raping me. I broke up with him again and started seeing a therapist. I was feeling better and was determined to get my life back on track. In therapy I realized how fucked up this relationship was but still insisted that I loved him though I acknowledged that I didn’t want to be with him. He started reaching out to me again and I thought we could be friends. He would always say that I made him a better person and I believed it. I liked feeling needed and validated. 

Being naive I thought us being friends would be fine.

We texted and chatted on the phone for several months. He was in the process of moving to a new place and wanted me to come over and see it once he had settled in to hang out and talk as friends. It was a cute cottage style house in the Hollywood Hills just off of Laurel Canyon.  But there were strange details to the house. The doors had no handles and had to be opened with a key, same with all the windows. 

We were supposed to meet at his place and then go out for dinner but he ordered in Sugar Fish Sushi instead. There was a beautiful coat on the couch near the door and pictures of him and a woman all over the place. I asked him about her and he just said she was his friend. I didn’t push it because I didn’t want to care. He asked me if I wanted any E, I said no, he offered me a drink, I turned that down too. I was uneasy and he could tell. He kept pushing me to have a drink, I told him I didn’t want to stay long. I finally gave in and let him make me a drink. It took him a long time in the kitchen and when he finally came out all he handed me was a whiskey on the rocks. I sipped on it and we chatted and ate sushi. Suddenly I started to feel weird. I was rapidly becoming relaxed and feeling euphoric. He had drugged me. I excused myself to the bathroom and tried to make myself throw up. I splashed cold water on my face and stared in the mirror and remembered what Spirit had told me, and I laughed at my reflection. Then I noticed, there right next to the bathroom sink was a sad love note written in cursive that was also half written in Spanish. Obviously, as i had suspected from the photos all over his new place, the Doctor had recently gone through a break up.

When I got out of the bathroom he had his back to me. I could see he was holding something heavy. I started to cross the room, heading towards my jacket and purse. He asked me if I was was ok, I said I was but thought it was time I go home. He asked me if I wanted to see something cool before I go. I looked at him and saw he had turned around and was holding a gun. He held it tenderly in his hands like a puppy and offered it to me. He asked if I wanted to hold it. I said no, but he insisted saying I shouldn’t be scared it wasn’t loaded. Instantly red flags went off in my mind. I knew he was lying. I grew up around guns but have a healthy respect for them. My Dad is law enforcement and comes from a military family. I know how to handle guns. Looking ant the way he held it i could tell it was weighed down with a full chamber of bullets. Trying not to shake, I took it in my hands, it was very heavy and very obviously loaded. I said as much and he snatched it out of my hands and pointed the gun at my head and told me to get on my knees and smile like a doughnut. I looked at his eyes in shock. His pupils were pinpricks, he was high on something and smiling like he had just told the funniest joke ever.

I go on my knees and put my hands up.

“Kiss it,” he said.

I pressed my lips to the cold hard metal as hot tears slowly welled in my eyes.

“Kiss it like you mean it,” he said as he pushed the barrel of the gun into my mouth and down my throat until I was choking. 

He unzipped his pants and started rubbing himself. Then she appeared, the lady in blue, Mary. At first she was just a bright light but then she took form and he could tell he could see her too. He looked like he had just been hit in the head and was trying to recover his bearings. I could tell he was very confused and feeling incredibly strange. She told him to put the gun down and he did. He then staggered over to the bed in a daze. And asked me, “who was that?” I told him she is my mother. He laughed, wondering how my Mom had gotten into his house and then began to snore. I was also fighting the urge to fall asleep. I was exhausted by this visitation, they always took a toll on me. 

“You won’t remember this, they always make me forget,” I murmured as I dragged myself over to the couch to put my shoes on. I fell asleep for a bit but was woken by an intense need to leave. I finished putting my shoes on and grabbed my stuff. It was dark out. I went to the front door and noticed that the key was missing and I was locked in. I looked around for the key but couldn’t find it. I remembered seeing a back door leading outside from the kitchen and went and tried that door. But it also didn’t have a handle and needed a key to be opened. Trying to move quietly and not panic I went around the house looking for a way out but all the doors and windows were locked. 

I must have woken him up because I heard him call to me from the bedroom, asking me what I was doing. I told him I had to go but the door was locked. He laughed and said I should come to bed and stay the night. I told him I needed to to leave, I had a busy morning and had to help my parents with some things. He was quiet, he didn’t like that I was insisting on leaving. 

He said, “I have the key in my pocket and you’ll have to come get it from me if you want to leave.” 

Not wanting to go into his dark bedroom I asked him to bring it to me, he said no. I hesitated but knew that now he was awake the only way to leave was to go in and get it from him. I didn’t have time or the strength to smash a window and pull myself out. I figured the least harm would come from getting the key from him. 

I walked into the room. He was lying on his bed watching me. I stood as close as I dared and reached my hand out for him to place the key in it. He stood up pushed me to my knees, forced my mouth open and shoved his dick into my mouth. I started to gag, he pulled out picked me up and threw me facedown on the bed pinned my arms behind my back, held me down by my neck and raped me. I sobbed as I stared at the gun right next to my face on the bed. He tried to finish but couldn’t cum. I pulled myself together and he tossed the key at me, got back in bed and fell asleep. I ran to the door, unlocked it and never looked back.

The next day I went to the doctor and they did a rape kit but it was inconclusive because he didn’t cum. I then went to the police but they laughed at me and treated me like I was just a hysterical female saying nothing would come of it without a conclusive rape kit. I then spoke to a lawyer but they said without hard evidence and a police warrant to search the place the Doctor wouldn’t go to jail but that I could sue him for emotional damages. I didn’t want to sue him, I figured having to relive the experience during the legal proceedings would be too much for me. I just wanted him in jail so he could be held accountable for his actions and never hurt another woman, I didn’t want his money.